It never rains but it pours

I’m sure I used to do things on Friday nights, fun things, going out things. Well, now I am collapsed in front of the West Wing at 9pm wondering if it’s too soon to go to bed. Motherhood. Is. Exhausting. 

It has been the most exhausting few days, and it’s not over yet. 

I was warned that when baby bear went to nursery he would pick up every bug and illness going, but I definitely wasn’t prepared. I also slightly deluded myself into thinking that breastfeeding would keep him safe from this onslaught. Well this week he has picked up his first infection – there is really nothing like being at work and being called to be told your son has a rash. Rashes scare mummies and this is baby bear’s first one. And I was in the wrong place. And even when I got home, I couldn’t commit to, or cuddle, my ill baby until a few hours later. Going back to work just really isn’t easy, and just as I was beginning to get used to it this happens. 

Anyway, a doctor’s visit later, baby bear is now on antibiotics and I just hope he starts getting better now. He’s been so brave as I think he’s actually been ill since Tuesday, certainly teething and battling his first temperature. If only he could have told us it was his ears that were hurting, poor little thing. Maybe it’s good for his immune system, but I can’t help feeling terribly sad that this is my fault for going back to work. When babies are ill they suddenly seem very small and fragile, and it breaks my heart to see him fighting it so bravely. 

And to compound a busy work week and an ill baby bear, this week we also had a power cut that lasted two days. Food gone in the fridge, a house rigged up on extension cables, and things falling apart generally. Thank goodness back up and running now. 

Well, it’s the weekend now. I think it may actually rain tomorrow (to illustrate the week’s events) but maybe we need a day to regroup and look after baby bear at home. I certainly don’t want to be doing much more than holding him close and willing him to get better. 

First week back. Done.

Well, it’s been a week of busy working days, tired mummy and daddy bears, and a grizzly teething (and exhausted) baby bear, but we’ve all got through it and I for one am delighted it is the weekend!

A friend asked me yesterday if I’ve noticed any changes in baby bear since he started at nursery. I’m not sure if it’s nursery or not, but it got me thinking about those subtle changes in baby bear that I haven’t had a chance to really think about or write down:

1. new babbling – when caught off guard in his own little world, baby bear’s babbling noises have changed. They now sound a bit like “doi, doi, doi, guda, guda, doi”, usually quite high-pitched – makes me laugh to write it down but if I don’t I’ll forget! My ears are pricked for the first proper word. I don’t even know if now is the right time for him to start talking, but I am listening.
2. pressing buttons – of my iphone mostly (bad mummy), but he is just generally so much more able than he used to be. He points at things with a finger, can now get the toy rings onto their stand, and can pick up raisins and peas – I’m still mesmerised watching him do this!
3. crawling to bathtime – no longer do I need to carry baby bear to the bathroom for bathtime. Now, I just start running the bath, and baby bear comes to join me. We are currently practising putting toys in the bath ready for bathtime, and pulling the plug at the end. Two days ago he refused to get out!
4. playing with a ball – we got him his first proper ball last week, after noticing how much he enjoyed playing with them. He’s learning how to throw which is really sweet, hand goes up over his head, but then he’s not quite sure what to do next so the ball usually just ends up at his feet (that’s if he remembers to let go) – he’s getting there though.

BUT, no signs of walking yet. Lots of cruising, lots of crawling, lots of climbing, but no signs of letting go just yet!

One coda to this post. I was wondering as I was writing about how much I might be missing, and watching him grow, while he is at nursery. Of course I am realistic that he might start doing things without me there to watch him – I have already missed the first crawling – but that didn’t make it any less special the first time I saw him do it with my own eyes. I’ve said it before, but I just need to make the times I am with him now count. Today, Saturday, has already been the most wonderful day with him, and we’re not even half way through the weekend yet.

Monday mornings and 12 hour dramas

Well, it’s been quite a 12 hours. My first Monday morning since going back to work has got off to a rather hazy start. 

It all started with a Sunday evening trip (perhaps reminding me that Sunday evenings are for snuggling up on the sofa in front of Countryfile) to see the new Bridget Jones. Really enjoyed the film itself, but it was bookended by a supper that never showed, and a late fall into bed. Oh well, I thought, I can still just about get 8 hours in if baby bear is kind…

Poor baby bear. This week (on top of the nursery settling) he has been struggling with the next set of teeth. The top ones, which just seem to be causing him a lot of discomfort and pain. We tried all sorts of things last night (when the baby bear alarm went off at 2am) and ended up attempting to get him to fall asleep between us while watching Fireman Sam (original episodes of course). Well that didn’t work and we eventually returned him to his cot where, thank goodness, he went back to sleep. 

So when Monday morning arrived only to find that daddy bear is laid up in bed with food poisoning, poor daddy bear, it just added one more straw to the camel’s back of what is going to be a tough week all round. 

No time for breakfast, baby bear cried when I left him at nursery 😭 and I am on my way to work wishing I was at home.

3 thoughts from a working mummy

So, the first few days back at work are done, it’s the weekend, and before I went to bed tonight I just wanted to jot down a few thoughts from the last few days. So here we go, my first 3 thoughts as a working mummy:

1. I am a different person now: what really struck me about walking through the door of the office again was how little had changed since I’d left. I mean lots has changed: colleagues (sadly some of my best friends at work) have left, people have moved offices, we have a new IT system, but at root the office was exactly the same as when I walked out of it nearly a year ago. And yet I am a completely different person, because baby bear has turned me into a mummy. And working life is going to be very different because of it. I hope I can still do the job, and although it breaks my heart to be away from him, part of me does want to show that it is still possible to do my job and be involved in baby bear’s life. I think work are going to have to adapt to the new me too, so let’s see how it goes.
2. Getting used to nursery: I saw a post on Instagram yesterday that echoed my thoughts exactly (it’s that back to school time of year) – the little one in question had run into nursery school, not looking back, straight to find her friends and get playing. Heart wrenching for different reasons, but ultimately better than the alternative, which is where we are at the moment. Baby bear is recognising nursery earlier each day at the moment, and it is tough. Handing him over when he is crying and clinging onto my hair is really difficult, but I just keep telling myself he’ll be fine when I’m gone and how lovely the nursery people are, and then I have to walk away. Yesterday that meant a commute in floods of tears, today I was able to hold it together. And today it all came good – he was happy when I picked him up, he’d eaten and slept normally, and we had a lovely half an hour at the playground before bathtime. I’m sure we’ll have good days and bad days, but at least I know now that there will be good days. And pick up time is my new favourite time of day.
3. I am not yet enjoying “adult” time: To be completely honest, there have been times this year when I have enjoyed having a bit of time away from baby bear. But those times have usually just been an hour or two, and always by choice. I was told by many people when I started this journey that I would get to six months and start: (i) getting bored of being a full time mummy; (ii) wishing I could make a cup of tea without interruption; and (iii) craving adult conversation that didn’t revolve around baby routines and milestones. Well we are well past six months now and so far none of those things have happened – I’m not bored, I drink sufficient tea and don’t mind the interruptions (!) and actually I haven’t missed adult conversation, and love chatting about other people’s children. Maybe this will change, but at the moment I sit at my desk thinking about baby bear and missing my wonderful maternity leave. Time spent with baby bear is the most special it has ever been, and I practically run to nursery at the end of the day.

Being away from work for a year was always going to make it difficult to go back. And so far it really is tough, even though work are supporting me (so far) through the transition into working mummy. I don’t know how long it will take, but at the moment I am persevering and just glad that the first few days are over.

Grown up food

A happier post today – baby bear seemed to have a good day at nursery yesterday (eating a proper meal and having a good nap), so am feeling a bit more confident now about leaving him (though having said that, I have just left him and feeling sad again, but less sad, so that must be progress).

So it’s been a while since I did a proper post about food, so long in fact that baby bear has (almost) made the transition from purees to adult food. And it honestly seemed to happen overnight – we had a friend to stay whose little one is a year older than baby bear, and it just made sense to give them their meals together. So suddenly it was fish fingers and peas (round peas, not mushed) for supper, sandwiches (he’s still not a fan though, tends to just pull them apart…), and oaty bars for snacks. Still a bit of spoon-feeding, but it is way more likely to be a finger food option these days – means he enjoys meals more and I suppose it is just one step away from using his own cutlery. Little baby bear is growing up.

So here are a few things I’ve learnt from this new stage:

1. A “quick meal” repertoire is essential – I am not so much opening the freezer now to get out baby bear’s meals, more looking in the cupboards and the fridge to work out what I might be able to whizz up for a meal. Maybe I’ve got lazier, but for some reason (perhaps more like my own style of eating) it doesn’t seem quite so possible to cook in advance any more, though I am still trying to have a stash of mince and pasta sauce in the freezer just in case.

Some staples at the moment are: (1) Ella’s Kitchen’s courgette fritters – although there is a bit of a faff at the beginning of the recipe as you have to wring the courgette out in a tea towel, the rest is easy and they go down a treat; (2) cheesy pea pasta – nothing special here, but it is easy and delicious (and the addition of peas makes me feel less guilty); (3) sausages – sticking to the more healthy ones at the moment, as baby bear has discovered how delicious they are.. The thin ones are easier to eat and take no time to cook; and (4) pancakes! I’ve only done blueberry or raspberry ones for breakfast so far, but they are so so easy, baby bear loves them, and I suppose I could cannibalise the recipe to make them savoury as well.

2. Gone are the healthy meals.. – Well I hope I’ve given baby bear a good start, because the diet is moving away from my lovely healthy meals that baby bear was having in so much variety over the course of the week. Now it is more sausages (hold the veg please Mummy..), pancakes and cheesy pasta (see above…they are quick!). With finger food I do find it a bit harder to stay healthy. I’m going to have to start playing hide the veg, and getting creative. This is one bonus of nursery actually, as I know he will have good food there.

3. Mess mess mess – well there had always been mess, but it has stretched way beyond the edges of the high chair now as baby bear has a (for him) fun habit of throwing food that he isn’t that interested in as far as he can. Even better when it is a spoon with food already on it. I live in my apron now to avoid a clothes change after each meal! I also now try and clean up while he is still in the high chair though, which means I know where he is and that I am not stuck looking at complete chaos once I release him back into freedom again!

Well writing this post has propelled me back into the kitchen again, back to the trusty Ella’s book that I have used throughout this weaning adventure and hopefully cooking some food that baby bear will find yummy and that doesn’t just revolve around sausages!

Rehabilitation

I haven’t written (or, to be more specific, I haven’t successfully completed a post) in a few weeks now. It’s been a hectically busy month, packing and unpacking for wonderful holidays, keeping up with the household chores which seem more and more prevalent now baby bear has moved on a step with his eating again (fish fingers, breaded chicken, even sausages yesterday, all very exciting but does mean a lot more “cooking to order”), and even managing to attend a friend’s wedding in Scotland last weekend (marking my first night away from baby bear).

But today I wanted to sit down and write, open up really, because this week has brought a massive change to mine and baby bear’s rhythm…Nursery (capital “N” intended). I am now into the last fortnight of my maternity leave, and with that has meant that it’s time to get all my ducks in a row and rehabilitate myself back into working life. A life I have been blissfully absent from for nearly a year. And the most important aspect of that rehabilitation is settling baby bear into nursery. We had our first session yesterday (a semi success which was a bit heart rending) and have another one this morning which I am just hoping he will enjoy.

Leaving him at nursery was always going to be hard, and I am sure there is no good time to do it, but it really is hard, however nice the nursery (and ours does seem lovely). It is not just because baby bear has reached such a fun age (personality beginning to show through, more and more interaction, crawling begetting cruising begetting even the first few steps with the walker at the weekend), nor is it that for various reasons I have to return to my (to be frank, very full-on) job full time. No, it is because over the last 10 months I have formed a bond with my little one that is all-encompassing. He is my first thought always, and daddy bear and I have seen our lives overnight play second fiddle to keeping baby bear comfortable and happy. The thought of being at work, which is both emotionally far away and a long commute away, jars horribly against that bond.

I was always told this would be harder for the parents. I need to cling to that, because as long as baby bear is happy (please can today go better) and looked after, then I can go back to work rehabilitated and head held high, knowing that at the end of every day I will be able to pick him up, give him a big squeeze, shed the working mummy and just be a mummy again.

When I was little, and my own daddy had to go away on business, he used to tell me that we were connected by a long invisible rope and if I needed him, I just needed to tug on that rope and he would be there (this is of course in the days before iphones, what’s app and the general maelstrom of today’s instantaneous communication). Well I am telling myself that again now – baby bear and I are too connected by an invisible rope and he’ll always be at the end of it, whether in my arms or at nursery. We’re both growing up this week, and it’s hard for both of us.